Category: My Dad Was A Pistol

The Pipe

The man my Dad had challenged to a fight — I don’t know his name, I’ll call him The Fighter — was a semi-professional.

John F. Stith Sr., during his Army days
John F. Stith Sr., around 1920, during his Army days

Both men were in the Army and Dad was, in effect, his promoter, lining up fights, placing wagers, and collecting when The Fighter won, as he almost always did.

One evening, going somewhere on a train, The Fighter said something ugly about a woman my father was escorting. That was the kind of thing he could not, would not, tolerate.

When the train rolled to a stop Dad saw a pipe on the embankment beside the tracks and he told The Fighter, Let’s settle this right now, or words to that effect. The pipe would give my Dad a distinct advantage — when he had no chance in a fair fight, he didn’t fight fair.

They got off the train and The Fighter began taking off his Army jacket. Dad walked over to the embankment and grabbed hold of the pipe with which he intended to teach The Fighter a lesson he would not soon forget.

To his dismay, however, the pipe wasn’t lying on the ground, it was sticking out of the ground, and he couldn’t pull it free.

Dad said he spent several days in a hospital, recovering from the beating he took.

Coming Friday: The Love Of My Life

If I Were Boss Of Everything

My father, John F. Stith Sr., who was born in 1895 and quit school after the 7th grade, had a lot of opinions, like a lot of people.  Only he wrote some of his down in a notebook he titled: “What I Would Do If I Were The Boss of Everything.”

The rule changes he suggested to  improve boxing matches and basketball games were pretty radical.  I’ll get to those bye and bye. He also commented on sex, which is where I’ll begin.

“Congenitally, every female has some attractions for the male of the species, to say nothing of what the male has to offer to the female,” my father wrote.

No touching!
No touching!

“So far as I know there is only one exception to this rule. The female fish lays her eggs and the male swims over them and fertilizes them. There is no physical contact between the male and female fish.”

“This probably gave rise to the expression, ‘the poor fish.'”

* * *

Here’s what he had to say about changing styles — Bermudas for ladies, then shorts, then short shorts, then hot pants — and what  he called “a merchandising thought.”

Texas Cowgirl cheerleader
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader

“These [hot pants] were not accurately named as there was scarcely enough cloth used to keep a fly warm, much less hot. It seems that the people who dictate [and I do mean dictate] fashions for ladies bow down to the idea of less cloth, more woman.”

“I would rather my woman would keep at least something secret and out of public view. Then I could get the shivers from anticipating the full show for me and me alone.”

“A merchandising thought, ‘Don’t put all your merchandise in the show window.'”

Coming Monday: Speaking in Tongues